Thursday

This morning brought us another BFN. Once again everything seemed perfect this cycle but we weren't successful. 7 IUI's down the drain!

I'm so disappointed that this didn't work. Previously when we got a BFN I'd be sad but I knew that we'd be able to try again the next month. Now its a different story, feels like its the end.

So for now we're done. We're taking a break possibly for the remainder of the year. I need to get my life back, it feels like I've put everything on hold - we hardly go out, I don't see my friends, I've picked up so much weight, etc. I don't know how but I've got to put myself back together again.

I'm not sure what the future holds for us but for now I'm considering donating my eggs in the next few months. I'm not sure if we'll go through with it but I'm seeing the FS in September to decide.

Thursday

I went for the beta this morning and it came back negative. I'm truly surprised for a number of reasons but mainly due to the lack of spotting which I have become accustomed to. I know this is thanks to the Utroge.stan, but then I don't understand what went wrong. If the timing was perfect, the sperm good, proges.terone levels well maintained, what is it, whats going wrong?? I can't take this disappointment every time, its heart breaking. I'm guttered and pissed off. I've emailed my FS with a bunch of questions, so we'll see what he comes back with.

Tuesday

We're in our second week of the TWW and there's not much to report. The first week was just ridiculous, it dragged on and on. I swear I was counting the minutes as they dragged by.

Proges.terone is definitely not on my favourites list. That stuff is nasty! It's so messy, I had no idea it would be this gross. It's given a few side effects namely hunger and slight constant cramping. Other than that its ok.

I'm supposed to go for a beta on Thursday but I might just wait a few days and see what happens. I don't want to spend any money unnecessarily but I'm also so eager to know. We'll see what happens but I'll probably wait.

Thursday

IUI # 2 done! After a mini breakdown last night with loads of tears I must've looked like I'd been punched in the face this morning with my hugely swollen eyes. The nurses were super sweet and even the previously-mean-accounts-woman made a special effort to be nice to me. After the IUI we went home, N went to the dentist and I got into bed (it was so cold this morning, so bed was the perfect place) and watched some TV before heading off to work at 12:00. The rest of the day was bleh until my BFF called, we chatted for ages and although she lifted my spirits I was still left with this "out of sorts" feeling. But as they say - this too shall pass.

I went to the pharmacy to get my proges.terone afterwards. They gave me the Utro.gestan which is supposed to be a bit better than the other one but they're weird cos they're little balls, like really little (like an Astro - for the South African readers). N and I just looked at these little things and we were like huh?! I know they need to be inserted up "there" but they're so little its like they'll get lost on the way.

Ahhh a glass of wine would go down so well now!

Tuesday

Tomorrow is IUI # 1. We have to be there at 8:00, luckily not such a severely early morning as the scans. After that I'm going for Acupuncture. I've read so much about it lately and how beneficial it is for fertility. A couple of websites said to start weeks before any actual procedures but I don't see the difference. If this fails then at least I started a month ahead. The Acupuncturist I'm going to has come highly recommended via a local fertility forum and she deals predominantly with fertility issues so I hope she's as good as her reputation allows me to believe. I'm really nervous though, I'm not sure at all what to expect. I know they say it doesn't hurt but knowing my luck I'll jump every time she inserts a needle.

So tonight we'll trigger at 8. 12 Hours later will be IUI # 1 and 36 hours later will be IUI # 2.

My baked goods are selling well for now and tonight I'll be making a big batch of banana muffins to sell tomorrow. I hope they sell well because they're so simple and quick to make.

Monday

Saturday morning we went for the scan. I was hoping and praying that we would get our doctor to do it and our prayers were answered. The other doctors are fine but they're not as thorough as our doctor (although I hear from a infertility forum that my doctor is less liked for his bedside manner). His findings were ok - two follicles - 10mm and 14mm. I was told to come back today. I got there super early and still had to wait - note to self NEVER go to Vita.lab on a Monday unless absolutely necessary! The scan took 2 min at the most but with all the waiting it was an hour out of my day. Dominant follicle - 17mm, lining 9mm. They gave me Ovi.drel and said to inject tomorrow night between 18:00 and 20:00. I asked to get my proges.terone myself from the pharmacy in order to save some much needed money. I called the pharmacy and they are in fact quite a bit cheaper than the fertility clinic. They now use Utro.gestan which is apparently less messy and gross than Cyclo.gest. Has anybody used it before? Are there any side effects?

I cannot stop looking at baby stuff - linen, cots, diaper bags, clothing, nursery pictures, etc. etc. I'm addicted! When I go into a shop I look at baby goodies before I look at the adult section, that can't be too good! I've bought some things too, not many but a few things. I can't seem to help myself!

Tuesday

I know I've said it before but wow I'm a really sucky blogger these last few months!

I've got a few things I can give updates on so here goes:

I'm currently on CD5. I went to the FS on Saturday for the CD2 baseline scan and had a quick chat to our FS. He is not happy about putting me on any medication. The first reason being that I ovulate on my own and my hormones are all fine. The second reason is that he doesn't know how I'll respond to the different meds, he seems worried about over stimulation. Everybody seems too damn cautious for my liking! Anyway aside from the meds we asked how many more IUIs he'd like to have us do before moving on to IVF. He seems to think that two more should be sufficient. After the last cycle I was already ready to throw in the towel with IUIs. I know IVF is more expensive but IUIs are pretty expensive too, especially with the scans and the cost of donor sperm. We left feeling pretty unmotivated and not convinced. But later I remembered that I wanted to ask him about why I was spotting a week before AF arrived. So luckily I have his email and sent him a quick one. Sunday morning he replied (impressive!) and said that that is a crucial piece of information and that I probably have low progrest.erone in the second half of my cycle. He said I'll be given a progest.erone after my IUI. Finally something!

Anyway we're still only convinced that we want to do one more IUI then move on. Lets hope we'll still have the finances available to move on to IVF.

I'm working at the moment, which is surprisingly good (touch wood). I only have a few weeks left and for once I wish it was a bit more. I have no supervision and can go out whenever and wherever I want. And I have my own office, which is bliss!

I've started a little business too. N suggested it actually and its taken off quite nicely. I started baking and selling to the staff at her company. My main orders have been Buttermilk Rusks, Peanut Butter Biscuits, Chocolate Dandy Biscuits and Banana Bread. The last few weekends have consisted of hours and hours of endless baking, but I'm enjoying thoroughly and hoping it will get busier. The cold weather is good as people tend to buy more comforting yummy snacks.

And that's it for now. I won't take forever to update again....I hope!

Friday

Yet another failed cycle!

Last week Tuesday and Wednesday mornings we had the IUIs. I've felt nothing so far but to my horror this morning I started spotting. I know AF is on the way, I can feel it. My cycle seems to have gotten shorter and shorter, I mean we triggered on CD9, did IUI # 1 on CD 10 already. It seems so quick to me but the FS said the timing was fine.

I don't know what our next step is. I'm so tired of wasting time and good money on useless IUIs.

My FS is on holiday so I can't even talk to him. When I phoned his rooms I did speak to the nurse though and she suggests that I come for my CD2 scan and insist on seeing a doctor for a more aggressive approach. I'm assuming that would just mean medication - probably Clomid which I didn't respond well to in February. If I have to make an appointment to see my FS I'll have to wait for weeks. This is all so frustrating. I wish it was so easy and I could just say I'm done,no more, but I want this more than anything, I need this!

Friday

I'm a bad blogger, I know this! I haven't been blogging lately mostly because I haven't had anything constructive to contribute. I've been feeling so up and down this last week, one minute I'm in tears the next I'm fine. Just silly!

Anyway today I'm on CD6. I went in this morning to have an office Hysteroscopy and it wasn't too bad. I took pain killers beforehand just in case. I didn't have a chance to google the procedure so I didn't know what to expect. My FS was so good though, explaining along the way what he was doing and what I would be feeling. And of course N holding my hand and trying to get my concentration away from the pain & discomfort.

What he does is insert the speculum (have I told you how much I hate that damn thing?!). Then he wipes the mouth of the cervix. He then clamps the cervix while he gets this scary alien-looking instrument with a syringe filled with water on one end and whatever else it was at the other end. He inserts this thing through the cervix into the uterus and as the camera looks around he pushes water in. This is where the cramping begins. Once the view is clear he checked out the site where the septum was removed from and all was good. He removed all the instruments and said I'd have some water coming out for the next two days. So when I felt a little gush I thought nothing of it until he looked again and got slightly flustered - all the liquid was in fact blood. He said it was fine and wiped up as much as possible.

Next he did a follicle scan. It was the highlight of my day because he found two follicles - 10mm & 12mm. Usually I only make one follicle hence my excitement. I'm slightly concerned (although he isn't) that my lining is only 4mm, I wonder at what rate it thickens?

Monday morning I'll be back for another follicle scan.

In other news, our medical aid has totally totally let us down. The surgery that we paid for out of our own pockets was supposed to be refunded by the medical aid but no such luck. The bastards have now said they'll only refund 1/3 of the bill and then after that we still owe the hospital a HUGE co-payment. I have fought for the last three days with these idiots and there's just no way out. They absolutely infuriate me!

Our FS's practice has been in the media quite a lot lately. The FS that did my surgery was interview on regarding a type of IVF that might be available in the near future. And then my usual FS was the main guest on an hour long show about infertility. I was really impressed!

Tuesday

This afternoon we went off to the FS for my post op appointment. It was quick and optimistic. He told us that he's very happy about the results of the surgery and said that the pain and bleeding that I still have is totally normal (I was seriously worried on Sunday with the amount of pain that I had). He told us that they also removed a cyst from my ovary as well as the septum and endo. He showed us more detailed pictures of everything and again I was taken back by seeing all my organs poked and prodded to get good pics.

So whats next you may ask - from 21 May I'll start Provera for seven days, once its finished I'll wait for AF to arrive, once AF is finished I'll go in for a office hysteroscopy and if all is well we'll start with a timed cycle the same cycle, so in June! I'm so glad that we don't have to miss another cycle, it feels so long since we last did anything constructive (baby making wise).

I submitted all the documentation to the medical aid last week so we're waiting to see what they pay toward the surgery. I know they won't pay it all but I'm really hoping that they pay the majority because as you all know this baby making business is damn expensive and we'll need every cent that we can get back.

I suppose its time to stop drinking alcohol again (I say this whilst enjoying a rather large glass of wine) and to stop drinking normal coffee again. It was good while it lasted and I took full advantage, especially the coffee drinking.

Saturday

Tuesday morning 10:00 am we arrived at the hospital, got admitted and had to wait till 12:30 for a bed. I only found out then that the nurses were supposed to notify me the day before to come in later. It was so frustrating waiting and being so damn hungry all that time. When I got to my bed they gave me all the gear to change into - very attractive hospital gown, booties and a hair net thing (can't remember the proper name for it). We both read until about 14:15 when it was finally my turn. N kissed me and off they took me. When I rolled into the theater the anesthetist and FS (who I hadn't met before) were there waiting for me. My FS doesn't do surgeries anymore so his two colleagues from his practice do them. Dr G held my hand and explained everything that they were going to do while the anesthetist put the drip in and administered the anesthetic. In a few seconds I was out!

I woke up gasping for air but after having oxygen was fine but in pain. They gave me something for the pain then wheeled me back in to the room. I felt fine and was given tea and sandwiches, which went down so well. Shortly after the FS came and showed us before and after pictures which was so cool. He said everything went well, stage 2 Endo (which is mild) was removed and the septum was also removed. I was then told that I'd have to empty my bladder before they could discharge me. So I drank and drank as much as I could and eventually after 2 1/2 hours I needed to wee. N helped me to the loo and as I took that huge pad away there was just blood everywhere, running down my legs, on the toilet (TMI - sorry!) - everywhere! I thought I was fine but when I got back to bed I started shaking, felt so sick & dizzy and was in so much pain. They gave me something for the pain and I started feeling better eventually. At about 18:30 I was discharged and we went home.

N ran me a bath and right before I was going to get it, it hit me again - shaking, dizziness and nausea. It was bad. N helped me to bed where I had to have a Valtaren suppository and eventually slept for an hour or two. I woke up to go to the loo and as I sat on the loo it happened again. This time I started sweating as well. N gave me some sugar water and I could barely hold the glass. She helped me back to bed and we noticed the swelling. I was huge but just on one side. We knew I would swell but it didn't look right. N wanted to take me to the hospital but we both thought to wait a while and see if the feeling passed. And it did, eventually. I woke up super early and felt like shit, AND I had to feel like this on my birthday. N called the FS and they said that it was probably all from the anesthetic.

I finally got to bath then N went out and came back with tons of birthday treats - flowers, chocolate cake, biltong, chocolate slab, muffins, cappuccino, ice-cream and DVD's. She spoilt me so much! Even though I couldn't eat the majority of all the nice goodies it felt so good that N went to so much effort for me.

The nurse from the FS's offices called to see how I was feeling and reminded me of my follow-up appointment on the 18th.

I couldn't sleep normally and had four pillows under my head and a preggy pillow under my knees. This was the most comfortable position and luckily it allowed me to sleep so well on the second night.

Its been quite a ride and I honestly expected it to be so much easier. I didn't think there would be so much discomfort. I've been so swollen that I could not wear any of my tracksuit pants, nothing would fit over my stomach. I looked about 4 months pregnant - seriously!! Its only going down today and only last night was I able to sleep on my sides.

I'm on Estrofem for 21 days then Provera for 7 days. Thereafter I'll have another Hysteroscopy then hopefully we'll get to start IUI's again.

I'm so thankful for N. I couldn't imagine going through all this without her, she did everything for me from putting my socks on to being my nurse at 01:00 in the morning. Everyone needs an N in their lives!

Tomorrow is the day!

I've neglected this blog so much but I have good reason, I promise.

My mom fell almost three weeks ago and wasn't able to walk afterwards. She's since been in hospital where she is no longer receiving the best care. The hospital was good in the beginning but now they're bad and don't take proper care of her. I don't want to go into too much detail now. She's meant to go to rehab to make her stronger so that she can walk again but the medical aid won't give authorization for it. Bastards!!

I'm praying like crazy that things improve for her. I'm hoping for a miracle!

Aside from all that, tomorrow is surgery day! I thought I'd be so nervous but I haven't even thought about it to be honest. I'm just hoping that all will be ok. I have to be admitted into hospital at 10 tomorrow morning and will hopefully be out a few hours later.

Monday

I'm literally counting down the days till my surgery - 23 days to go! It seems terribly long still and I'm not working at the moment which makes the time drag by even slower. I just pray that this does the trick. I've had my BFP post already planned word for word in my head and it would be heartbreaking to never be able to post it. I'm beyond concerned as to whether or not I'll actually ever fall pregnant. I can't look past the fact that I can't imagine myself pregnant, much like I can't imagine myself stick thin, its just something that seems so far out of reach. I long for the feeling of a little miracle growing inside me and not knowing if my future holds that scares me so much. I hate having no control over the situation. I'm not used to that. I'm used to having control over every little thing in my life. Not having control over this leaves me feeling very insecure and anxious.

If only I had a crystal ball....

HSG results

The actual procedure went very well, there wasn't the tiniest bit of discomfort let alone pain. An hour before I took four Nuro.fen (Ibupro.fen) which definitely helped. When my doc said I was going to feel a burning / stinging sensation I expected the worse but didn't feel a thing. He injected the dye and I watched on the monitor but didn't really concentrate on what I was seeing as I was still expecting pain. I asked him if everything looked ok and he said that he'll talk to me once we're done, I should have known that something was wrong there and then. Our appointment for the consultation was over an hour away so we went to have a quick breakfast, but about five minutes after we left I got the most intense cramps ever. Seriously, I could barely talk, the pain just took my breath away. I took two more Nuro.fens and in about 10 minutes it started to subside. After breakfast we returned for our consultation appointment with the doc. He was so nice and quickly brought N up to speed on what his concerns were previously. Then he showed us an x-ray of a normal uterus and an x-ray of my uterus, and asked if we could see the difference. N immediately picked up that mine was not shaped the same. To my horror he began to explain that my uterus is concave on top which has something to do with a septum. He gave it a name but I have no clue what it was. Basically a fertilized egg would only have a small space to implant in and if by some miracle it did implant I would miscarry fairly early in the pregnancy. At this point I was close to tears thinking I would never bear a child. Then he added that I most probably have Endo.metriosis as well which is a big contributing factor to the amount of pain I have every month.

After all the bad news he said that it can be fixed by removing the fibrous (?) tissue on top of the uterus. He showed us a video clip of a procedure which he performed where the septum had divided the uterus completely and he had to cut the septum to make a normal single uterus.

Long story short I will have to undergo a Lap.aroscopy, Hyst.eroscopy, ablation of Endo.metriosis and a biopsy of the endometrim. AND this will all cost the same as an IVF procedure!! He seems confident that our medical aid will cover it but I know in South Africa our medical aids don't cover anything related to fertility.

Now the frustrating part - I will have to wait till the beginning of May to have these procedures and then only start with IUI's again in June (if all goes well). I know to some people this doesn't sound long but our last IUI was in February and I just feel like we're wasting so much damn time. That's what annoys me the most, oh and the fact that I'm booked to have the procedures the day before my birthday, that really sucks! They only do these procedures on Tuesdays and the Tuesday which I'm supposed to have it is a public holiday so it has to happen the week after.

After all this shitty news there are a couple of good things 1) My blood work all came back fine 2) I have immunity to Rubella (if I didn't I would have had to have gotten vaccinated now and waited another three months).

So that's my story. I'm really so upset about all this. Now instead of wondering "when" I'm wondering "if" it will ever happen.

Friday

This morning we went for the CD2 scan. We were up at 05:25, which is just a ridiculous hour to get up, and we were at the FS at 07:00. Good grief were we in for a shock! There must have been 30 woman there waiting to get their scans done. Luckily we didn't have to wait that long and went in about 30 min later. I was dreading the scan especially since AF is quite heavy the first few days, but it was fine, no grossness.

The radiologist checked that my lining was thinning and something about my ovaries, all was ok. After I got dressed we went downstairs for the blood tests - I'm surprised I have any left after all the blood that they took. Then a trip back upstairs to see the nurses and finally back downstairs to order our sperm. Thank goodness we ordered it today as it might not have gotten here in time with all the public holidays.

Usually I dread the day that AF arrives but this time I couldn't have been happier! I'm so glad to get started and to get all the tests done to see where we go from here.

Tomorrow morning I'll go for my CD3 blood work, thankfully we don't have to go back to the FS for that, we can just go to the hospital close by.

Thursday

Today I received the donor lists from our FS. I could not be happier!! There are 17 donors, that's right 17! If you remember at the previous Cr.yo B.ank there were only 5 caucasian donors. They give loads of other info on the donors too, like the parents nationality and / religion and a short paragraph written by the donor describing themselves, not physically but how they are as a person. Some of them sound so lovely I can only imagine what they must be like.

As far as appearances go we're trying to look for one's that are blond with green eye's and not to tall - in other words the male version of N.

AF is on her way and that makes me so nervous because I'm supposed to get the scan and blood tests on CD2 and since I'm planning a surprise weekend away with N it might prove a bit difficult. We won't be too far out of town but the whole thing of disrupting our little getaway annoys me a bit, but I suppose if its gotta be done we'll have to make a plan and do it. What also makes it a bit annoying is that they only do the scans at 07:00 - 07:30AM on the weekends, so we'd have to get up super early to get there...urgh!

Tuesday

I can't seem to find anything interesting enough to blog about everyday, so once a week seems to becoming the norm.

On Thursday night we were sitting on the couch watching Desperate Housewives. Chloe (my little Maltese) was sitting next to me. During an ad break I bent down to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, obviously she got the hugest fright and she bit me! She grabbed hold of my nose and clenched down till I hit her to let go. I immediately ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. The blood was streaming down my face (just like in the movies) and although it wasn't painful the amount of blood shocked me. I didn't think it was bad enough to go to the hospital but N called the ER and they said to come in immediately for a Tetanus injection. Once I got there they just examined me, cleaned me up, gave me the shot and some medication in case of infection. I still felt no pain until the next day, wow! My nose was so swollen it looked as if I was smacked right in the face. My psycho little doggy did get a fright though and knew that she had done something very bad. Its healing well now and I'm hoping its not going to leave a scar.

On the TTC front obviously not much is happening so far as I have to wait for AF, but the strangest thing happened - I started spotting on CD15, how weird is that?! I can't think of why it would happen so early and I can't think of what could be wrong. I'm hoping AF shows up soon so that we can get the ball rolling on all the tests that need to get done. Speaking of tests, I'm a little concerned about the CD2 scan. How messy is it going to be? It seems so gross to me to have to have it on the second day of full flow. I'm so not looking forward to it!

This weekend coming is a long weekend in SA and I'm very much looking forward to it because I've planned a big surprise for N. I told her not to make any plans for the entire weekend so from that she already knows that we're going away. I can't give anymore details since she reads my blog but I'll post pics on our return.

First appointment with FS

This morning was our first appointment with the FS. I was so damn nervous and what made it worse is that N couldn't make it. The American owners of her new company were coming in today so there was no way she could get off, and I wasn't prepared to wait another month to get an appointment so I sucked it up and went alone.

The consultation went quite quick, he seemed concerned that N wasn't there, he then did an internal exam and back to the consulting room. There we spoke about my cycle and he asked a bunch of questions. It turns out he's concerned about three things - the pain I get with AF, the spotting before AF and that AF isn't regular (25 - 28 days). He said not to think about IVF right now as he would like to do a bunch of tests first.

On CD2 he'll do a sonar and blood tests, CD3 blood tests and then after AF is finished he'll do a HSG x-ray to check that all is clear and that my tubes aren't blocked. I'm not looking forward to any of this cos I'm worried that something might be wrong.

In the mean time he said we should have a look at the donor list, which I'm happy to say is so much more extensive than the Cryo.bank's list. There should be 10 - 15 white donors as opposed to 5. Hopefully I'll receive the list tomorrow.

So thats where we are right now, now we wait, I'm on CD13 today so we'll still have to wait a while till AF starts. For once I really want it to hurry up and come!

Friday

Thank you all for your comments, we appreciate them all so much.

A lot of things have been going on lately. We seem to constantly be busy and not get any time to ourselves (whats new?!). The company that N works for got sold, they let all the staff go but kept N and her manager. They are understaffed and crazy busy so she's tired all the time and still recovering from the accident. Luckily we don't have to deal with only having one car, her mom lent her her car till she gets a new one, since I'm working again it would be so difficult to only use my car. Being back at work after 8 months is quite an adjustment, getting up so early and been away from home the whole day seems like such a distant memory.

Once again there's so much nonsense going on with my mom's company that my brother is running. My stress levels are at an all time high at the moment. I'm thinking about going for acupuncture as I hear that amongst other things it can be a great stress reliever.

On the TTC side of things - we are unsure how this cycle will go. We are finally able to go to a FS, but because of the timing of the appointment we might have to give this cycle a miss. Our appointment is on CD14, the day that I would normally ovulate and according to one of their nurses they are very strict and would first like me to undergo some testing before doing another IUI. Also they get their donor sperm from the opposite side of the country so it takes a bit of time before it gets here. I'm really upset that we'll have to skip this cycle as its our last chance for a 2010 baby, but I don't seem to have any control over this.

I've heard very good things about this group of fertility specialists so we're hoping that they live up to their good name. The particular FS that we could get an appointment with is believed to be a bit conservative and old school as far as seeing same sex couples are concerned. Apparently all the doctors get to see you at some point, I'm hoping that he's going to turn out to be nice.

Last week Tuesday our friends baby, Madison, was born. WOW! What a beautiful little girl. 3.18kg, 54cm and perfect! I went to see her in the hospital two days after she was born and was so taken back, the tears just flowed. She is now 1 week 3 days and has the best god parents ever - US!! We were ecstatic to hear that her parents had named us the god parents, what a privilege. I've already held her and fed her and am now overwhelmed by the need for our own little one. N is over the moon and I think Madison's birth has just given us that extra bit of confidence that we need to know that we can do this, we just need to get pregnant!!

Update

So its been another long break, not a break from TTC though. Here's how the last cycle went:
* CD3 - CD7 I was on Clomid after much convincing (my doc is not a fan of giving ovulation induction when you ovulate on your own already)
* CD12 Follicle scan, 2 fat follicles. Doc gave me a Pregnyl injection
* CD13 IUI at 07:00
* CD14 IUI at 08:00
* CD26 AF arrived early
We were both so damn upset and were convinced that I was in fact pregnant but alas I was not!